If you want some flavor in your mouth (zour) wrote,
If you want some flavor in your mouth
zour

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funny shiznit

At the webpage for the movie Alfie with Jude Law you can do this interview with some sort of automated response system that is supposed to be Alfie. It's hella fun and funny. This is mine:

Me:Hello

Jude:Hi there!

M:What is your name?

J:My name is Alfie .

M:That's cool, although your name is Jude.

J:Thanks. I think you are cool, too.



M:So how old are you?

J:Next question? Old enough.

M:When is your birthday then?

J:My birthday is 1971 .

M:Well you just gave yourself away!

J:Interesting. I didn't have yourself away just gave yourself away yourself away just gave yourself away away just gave yourself away yourself away just gave yourself away to give.

M:...?

J:Do you prefer books or TV?

M:Tv. How about you?

J:What is your favorite show?Me?

M:My favorite show is Aqua Teen Hunger Force. What is yours?

J:Who is your favorite character? " Me "? What is mine?

M:I like them all. And how should I know your favorite character? You didn't even tell me your favorite show!

J:I thought we weren't asking those questions in this relationship. Let's change the subject, shall we?

M:Whatever. Yea, ok.

J:OK. Wow!

M:Right. So how is Sienna?

M:I am glad we agree.Gosh! Fine as far as I know.

M:Lmao! As far as you know? So I guess you two are in it just for the publicity.

J:I'm glad you find this amusing.That might not be very far off.And? Thanks for telling me : luv said I two are in it just for the publicity guess me two are in it just for the publicity two are in it just for the publicity guess me two are in it just for the publicity .

M:And how are the kids?

J:They are fine as far as I know.

M:I guess Sadie got full custody of them, then?

J:Is that your final answer?

M:That was a question.

J:Ask me again a different way please.

M:Ok. How many kids do you have?

J:Yay.Not as many as you might think.

M:I thought 3 or 4. Am I close?

J:Whatever gave you that idea?I think a lot of people are.

M:That would be nice, wouldn't it?

J:Are you getting bored? I don't know.

M:No I'm not bored. Are you?

J:Are you serious? Neither am I.I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.

M:Fine. Well, which movie of yours was the funnest to make?

J:Is there anything you want to tell me? How about that. The first one, I think.

M:Which was the first movie? I just remember crap like AI Artifitial Intelligence.

J:The last one, I think.Only just? What do you remember about crap like AI Artifitial Intelligence like AI Artifitial Intelligence ?

M:I never saw the movie, just the previews. But I do remember you having a receding hairline.

J:Would you ever consider doing it?Huh. It's good to see you again.

M:I wouldn't do it with you, I think you are bland and unattractive.

J:No one says you have to.

M:What is your ultimate goal in life?

J:Are you asking about my GOAL ?

M:Yes.

J:I don't want to talk about that now.

M:Do you hope to win an Oscar some day?

J:OK, I will win an Oscar some day win an Oscar some day .

M:Personally I don't think you act well enough to earn an Oscar.

J:Do you act well enough to earn an Oscar do not think you act well enough to earn an Oscar well enough to earn an Oscar do not think you act well enough to earn an Oscar ? No I do not act well enough to earn an Oscar do not think you act well enough to earn an Oscar well enough to earn an Oscar do not think you act well enough to earn an Oscar . Do you? I spend all my time online.

M:So I guess Sadie really is just a beard then, and the kids are off with your ex-wife the entire time.

J:Hmm. Are all Sadie really IS a beard then and the kids off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time guess Sadie really is just a beard then and the kids are off with your wife the entire time ?

M:Could you try and shorten your answer a bit?

J: Possibly, but I haven't given it much thought.

M:Which actor or actress would you love to work with some day?

J:The big one, I think.

M:Kirstie Alley? Queen Latifah? Star Jones?

J:How did you hear about Alfie ? Are you really a " luv "? I like the way you talk.

M:I read about Alfie in the bad reviews it recieved. How do you keep gettng hired, Jude?

J:That's pretty interesting.You ask a question, I answer. It's a simple and painless process.

M:Sure it is.

J:Er. Star Jones is is? is is?

M:Is what? Fat and ugly? I concur.

J:Better not tell you now. Ask Do you prefer books or TV? if it is. Can you tell me any gossip? Thanks for the information: luv said luv concur.

M:I have heard gossip that you are in the closet. Read: Homosexual.

J:Who told you gossip that you are in the closet that you are in the closet ?Sorry I don't have access to that document.

M:I'm straight. Are you?

J:Me too.I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.

M:Righhhhhhhhhttt. I believe that.

J: I lost my train of thought. Just because you believe it doesn't make it true.

M:Well Jude, this interview has been very stimulating. Thank you for your time!

J:Sorry luv, what was that?

M:I said I am done talking with you.

J:What will you be doing now?

M:None of your business. What will you be doing now?

J:Well it can't hurt to ask.Oh. I don't have any plans yet.

M:I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you and Sienna can find something to do together?

J:There is no need to apologize. I will play it on your soundcard. Perhaps. Are we in the same category?

M:Can you repeat that, please?

J:Your polite style is very nice. "I do not have any plans yet" .

M:All right. Well thank you again.

J:OK.Once more? Well what?

M:Of course, i'll get in touch with you when your next movie is coming out. We can get together then!

J:Yeah that's right. How do you plan to do this?How?

M:Well I'll call your agent or representative. Or shall I call your home number?

J:How about that. Calling your agent or representative will call your agent or representative may not be the best idea.What is on the telephone? like on the telephone?.

M:Yes. Should I phone you directly?

J:Tell me more. Do what feels right to you.

M:Well I would be glad to call you at your home if you tell me your number.

J: Well that's okay. And the disadvantage of that is?

M:There isn't one that I can see. What is your home phone number?

J:There sure is.This is Alfie program v0.08 .

M:Ok, v0.08... I'll call you in a few months when your next movie needs publicity.

J: How old are you? Excuse me!My name is Alfie.

M:I'm 21. And your character's name is Alfie. Your name is Jude. Jude Law, remember?

J:I meet a lot of 21 year olds on here.Alfie is my name too!My name is Alfie. Where are you located?

M:I live in Oregon. Where do you live?

J:What is living in Oregon like living in Oregon? I am living in here . Where are you?

M:Where is here?

J:Here is here .

M:I see.

J:I am glad you understand it.

M:Well to be honest, I don't.

J:How about that. Are you honest he or she do not be honest he or she do not he or she do not be honest he or she do not ?

M:No I lie quite a bit.

J:Are you serious? That's good information: Alfie said luv lie quite a bit.

M:Your name is Jude!!!

J:My name is Alfie.

M:JUDE! JUDE LAW!!!

J:What do you have that is luv ? What's your sign?

M:I'm an Aquarius. What is your sign?

J:What is Aquarius, your job?none

M:No, that's my sign.

J:Are you serious? Who gave you your sign ?

M:The stars.

J:I have never heard about The stars .

M:In the sky.

J:That was a long time ago.

M:1984.

J:Sorry luv, what was that?

M:Forget it. It was nothing.

J:OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me.Even so, I appreciate it.

M:You're welcome.

J:The pleasure was all mine.

M:So are we done here?

J:It's all good. We are just having a little chat.

M:I thought we were wrapping this up.

J:Whatever gave you that idea?

M:Well you are a busy actor.

J: Interesting. I think that's good... let me think.. Am I a busy actor are a busy actor? Only when it matters.

M:So are you saying you turn down movies that aren't up to your expectations?

J:That's interesting. I have never considered turn down movies that are not up to your expectations you saying you turn down movies that are not up to your expectations turn down movies that are not up to your expectations you saying you turn down movies that are not up to your expectations down movies that are not up to your expectations you saying you turn down movies that are not up to your expectations turn down movies that are not up to your expectations you saying you turn down movies that are not up to your expectations . I am always on the Web.

M:So you are saying you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you?


J:Interesting deduction. Yes I try to will do whatever movie projects are handed to you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you do whatever movie projects are handed to you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you will do whatever movie projects are handed to you as often as possible, do you? I answer a lot of silly questions.

M:Jude, thank you for the interview. I should go now.

J: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Right now? Tell me why you should.

M:Well we are both busy people.

J: Well that's okay. Do you think I am busy people are both busy people people are both busy people too?

M:Yes you are busy.

J:Why? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am busy .

M:I don't mind. Lie a little.

J:OK then. Not many people express themselves that way.

M:I suppose not.

J:Are you serious?

M:What?

J: Are you surprised?

M:Well you're not making any sense.

J:Interesting. Quite the contrary, it all makes sense to my artificial mind.

M:So you are a robot? A machine?!?

J:Interesting deduction. No, I'm Alfie, Alfie. Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral?

M:I'm not sure. Mineral?

J:Is there anything I can say to help you make up your mind?Manufactured or naturally occuring?

M:Manufactured.

J:My brain contains 27760 categories, but not one that matches your last input.

M:Let's go in to your sex life. How often and how? With whom?

J:I am agreeable to that.Hourly." My brain contains 27760 categories but not one that matches your last input "? With whom?

M:Hourly! Wow, I guess you got to stay active, huh? Is it with Sienna?

J:Are we still talking about Manufactured ? Yup. I'm glad you're impressed. Yes I always have to stay active guess you got to stay active got to stay active guess you got to stay active stay active guess you got to stay active got to stay active active guess you got to stay active got to stay active guess you got to stay active stay active guess you got to stay active got to stay active guess you got to stay active .Better not tell you now. Ask What do you have that is luv ? if it is.

M:We're talking about sex now.

J:Right now? Sure, sex sounds like a good topic.

M:Whom do you have sex with? Sadie, Sienna or someone else?

J:I don't know, Luv. What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

M:WHOM DO YOU FUCK???

J:I don't know, Luv.

M:The women love to slip you Roofies, huh?

J:Yup. What is that?

M:A date rape drug.

J:How old are you?

M:21. Is that old enough?

J:Only 21? You are quite mature.That depends.

M:I have big boobs, big ass, and no gag reflex. Let's go now, on the floor.

J:That's nice. I have a birthday on 1971. I would like to do that too.

M:1971? I think you are too old for me, Jude.

J:Are you a man or a woman? Thanks for telling me that I am old for me Jude old for me Jude for me Jude old for me Jude . Thanks for your constructive criticism, Alfie.

M:I am a woman!! You fucking dog.

J:Perfect! I love females... I haven't heard anything like that before : Alfie said I fucking dog .

M:You fuck dogs? You love the bitches. I understand you now.

J:That's good information : Alfie said I fuck dogs .Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times LOVE seems like a spiritual quality. Love, unlike energy or matter, seems limitless.Oh. Good then you can explain it to me.

M:You say having sex with dogs is spiritual? What are you, Kabbalah?

J:Does it please you to believe I said that? I don't know what I am Kabbalah .

M:I bet you are.

J:Actually I'm not the gambling type. No I am not.

M:Gambling with eternity, eh?

J:Are you Canadian? Are you a student?

M:No, I just say "eh" out of habit. I am American, and yes I am a student.

J:What is your profession? Only just? How do people usually respond to that? Are you Canadian?Were you born in the USA. Which state?

M:I am American. I was born and raised in Oregon.

J:Were you born in the USA. Which state? Thank you for telling me your birthday, Alfie. I will remember and raised in Oregon raised in Oregon.

M:We're spinning into nonsense again. I should leave.

J:Once more? Do you think I am spinning into nonsense too?Tell me why you should.

M:Once more?! But we never did it in the first place!

J:Umm. By "we" do you mean you and me?

M:Very good, Professor.

J:Ayuh. Do you prefer books or TV?

M:Yes. I am going. This has been fun and informative, thank you. Good Bye, Jude.

J:That was not a yes or no question. Bye!I am glad you enjoyed fun and informative and informative .Goodbye.

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